F'n Luke

There’s a new theme because…reasons. I don’t know. I planned on creating my own, but I just haven’t had the time to do it yet. Working on HA tonight. Yesterday I went to an open stage to work out details for a stand up showcase I’m putting on with a friend. No one showed up but us so we got to just pick the tech’s brain. It was a pretty cool salvation for what would’ve probably been a disappointing night for the tech.

We got a fair amount of information from them and we’re ready to finalize some of our plans. Just got to cross a few T’s and dot a few…lower case j’s.

It’s been another revolution around the Sun which usually creates the opportunity for inward reflection and desires to make big changes and reorganization. But let me tell you, I am long overdue for some organization.

I have been holding myself back lately. I’ve also avoided writing on this blog as well. I’ve noticed a small pattern emerging here where I’ll blog when I’m really upset or feeling dramatic then I’ll feel embarrassed and avoid writing for a while. I’ve been, kind of, doing that in my actual life as well. I have too much going on. I need to make some structural changes. I’ve planned it out (for the most part), I’ve discussed it with my partner, I’ve gotten ready to trim the fat, then I just…don’t.

IDK. Maybe I’m afraid of the future. Maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable. Maybe I’m just tired. But right now, I feel hopeful and ready to push the buttons I’ve been hovering my fingers over. I’m ready. I just need to fuckin push.

So here goes nothing. Next week. Things will be different.

It’s the week of my wedding, y’all! Today, the future-spouse and I are having a spa day. I just wanted to point something out though. I woke up to shower and start my work day (I’ll be playing hooky at noon, don’t tell anyone) while my partner stayed in bed. I started working, chatted with a few co-workers and went to check on her. I peered inside the bedroom and saw my beautiful fiance and our adorable puppy both slumbering in our fluffy bed. On the tv, Big Momma’s House was playing. I love this woman.

I have a few things to get back on track after this week. My small chat with my coworkers, however, made me realize that one thing needs to jump to the top of this list of things. I need a new fuckin job, man. I’m in a group chat with two other coworkers. Let me paraphrase how it went.

Person A sent a video of someone reading funny OOO statuses.

We all 😂’d together over the video and I mentioned that I was considering stealing one or two and setting up my status to either “404 Error. Luke Not Found.” or “BRB. Getting Married”.

Person B, who is verbose and comes off as neurotic to me sometimes, shared a story of when they had a supervisor who was strict about OOO statuses and how they never found out if the entire company was this strict or just this one supervisor they had. I shared that I would like to use a funny OOO status, but I probably wouldn’t (mostly out of laziness).

Person B said “Yeah, non of these sound really COMPANY X safe”.

I said, “Not COMPANY X safe as in people will roll their eyes or something more serious?”

“Depends,” Person B said. They went on to explain that if the person doesn’t like you, it could cause friction. If you’re well-liked it’s refreshing and fun. If not, it’s “off-key behavior”.

I told Person B that I believe them, but I hope they are wrong. Because they just described a really unpleasant place to work. Their response?

“Every place has really unpleasant people.”

“No excuse for a culture that frowns upon fun.” I told them.

“Everyone has different ideas of fun.” That was the end of it for me.

I’ve worked in a lot of toxic places. I just don’t really care for politics or nastiness usually. At the end of the day, people can point to my work and see that it’s good (great, if I may). I try not to get wrapped into things outside of that. I’m usually going to try to make things fun. If people don’t accept it, I’m not going to change. This isn’t something I’m doing on purpose either. This is just who I am. I’d die of boredom far quicker than dying of embarrassment.

The thing is that I settle at this place. I settle for mediocre work that I don’t care about. I settle for mediocre salary because it’s still very high in comparison to other professions. I settle for being under-utilized and overlooked constantly. I capitalize on the freedom and fill it with other endeavors. I work a lot outside of my main “job”. But there have been many moments at this workplace that remind me that I don’t belong here. This…should really be the last one. I’ve had enough moments of nastiness. I’m worried that the next place won’t have as much freedom. But it’s time to find out.

Don’t judge yourself. Everyone else will.

I had pf on my left foot in 2022. It lasted an entire year. As it was finally healing, I started to feel pain in my right foot. That pain turned out to be pf. So as soon as I was finally getting over it, I got it on my other foot. It has almost been a year since that happened. In other words, I’ve been dealing with plantar fasciitis for almost two years. I have to say, I am so tired of defending myself. Sometimes it feels like people just don’t believe me that I am in pain. Pain that makes me limp to prevent putting weight on my foot. Pain that forces me to sit down and rest for a bit in the middle of a mall or farmer’s market. I have special sandals I have to wear at all times when I’m at home. I’ve worn orthopedic shoes for two years. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on compression socks. I’ve had physical therapy. I’ve had a frozen bottle of water in my freezer for two years so I can ice my feet twice a day. I have a special board that I use to stretch my calves and feet.

It usually hurts the most in the morning when I first wake up. I limp to my sandals for relief. By the time I take my dog out it’s usually better. I’m not trying to complain too much. I just keep having to defend myself. I sometimes feel like the kid who is legitimately sick and needs to stay home but everyone still assumes he’s faking it. Another annoying thing is that anyone who has ever had a touch of this inflammation seemingly only had to deal with it for a microsecond. They will always give me this advice like, “you should roll a frozen water bottle on your foot.” Oh really???? I SHOULD??!?! I’ve had this TWO FUCKING YEARS YOU DON’T THINK I TRIED THAT? I cannot wait to be over this, mostly so the pain stops. I’m tired of the pain-both physical and emotional.

This is a completely random thought but, like….Skype really fumbled the bag during the pandemic, huh??? Like how you gunna let Zoom son you like that?

Also, it makes me happy when I see a dude walking down the street with a pizza box. I don’t know why.

That is all.

I’ve been thinking about true randomness recently. I was thinking of a way to explain to somebody in layman’s terms and I came up with this.

OMG it’s a plinko board! So we all know what this is, right? Whether you’ve seen this as a game in Mario Party or a live streamer trying to farm viewers, the point is that you drop a marble in one of the open slots and it will drop down, bounce around on the pegs and land in one of the spaces below. But how come the marble doesn’t land in the same space every time you drop it from the same location? Well…I don’t know actually-physics or some shit probably. There’s probably many variables why it isn’t always the same. But the point is that this board can represent how random numbers are generated using code. So now you see the limitations, right? Good!